So recently I found myself traveling by plane again and was reminded of an etiquette book I randomly wrote over the last 5 years in my head for frequent flyers (even for those who are novice travelers)

1.  Take a f-in shower before you get on a plane.  Don’t wake up and think “I took one last night at 6pm and my flight isn’t until noon…I’ll be fine”.  In case you forgot, even in first class, the seats are VERY CLOSE TOGETHER.  If everyone actually showered, the planes might not actually smell like a wet, sweaty gym sock all the time.

2.  Try not to be a complete lush just because you can’t abstain from drinking for 2 1/2 hours.   Oh and try not to buy 2 bottles of gin and proceed to tell the gentlemen next to you all the insider trading secrets of your company Ms. Bank of America lady from LA who flies Northwest.

3. If you are a college student flying somewhere for Spring Break….YOU’RE NOT AS COOL AS YOU THINK YOU ARE JUST BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS CAN AFFORD A PLANE TICKET FOR YOU, so quit acting like a jackass.  Enough said.

4.  If you are overweight by more than 40 pounds….stop bitching about how small the airplanes are these days.  Your fat…lose weight and stop complaining that the whole world doesn’t support your emotional eating.

and finally

5.  Follow all the rules.

~Cheers